| And here we go, starting out the New Year with Kila's infamous whining! |
[Jan. 1st, 2006|08:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Early Sunsets Over Monroeville ~ My Chemical Romance | ] |
I know I do it too much, but I just need a way to vent, so please bear with me.
I thought maybe this year would be better. Yesterday morning I'd resolved that December 31st, 2005 would be the last day I would let myself be depressed. I was so determined to put everything that had bothered me this last year behind me, i.e. Blake's death, my parents' complete, stupid, overprotective ways, the way a lot of my friends' stupid self absorption irks me to no end... I promised to be more patient, to take more time to look at the little things, to not get exasperated when people are complete fools. I decided I'd be a better person, more bold and brave and determined to stick out.
And today...
I want nothing more than to crawl in a hole and just fade away.
Maybe it's just one of those days. In fact, I'm sure it is, but it's all hitting me like a train, nonetheless. The full complexity of why my dad has done to my mother and myself finally hit me at two in the morning last night. It also hit me that, after five years of her being gone, I never have fully accepted that my grandmother is never coming back. And this morning, I realized that all the stupid years of trying to impress my father and make him love me like a father should rightfully love his daughter was all utterly in vain. I have never felt more worthless in my entire life.
I just read back over that, and I sound so pathetically cliché. God forbid idiot Kila's life be -*gasp*- hard to handle! Well, maybe if my dad wasn't such a cheating bastard, I wouldn't be so pathetic.
What right does he have to do this to us? Since when did we ever do anything so terrible that he has to run off to some bitch who he could care less about, knowing full well we'd find out? Or maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions.
And god, why the hell did she have to die? She was the only one who really listened to me. The only one who knew what was going on in my screwed up brain. It's been five goddamn years, and I still can't get over the fact that she's actually dead. What kind of a pathetic person am I?
Again, cliché. Just makes me angry at myself. I deserve to be miserable, cause I should be able to cope with this like any normal teenager. I should be able to handle all these stupid, stupid problems. Hell, why am I complaining? I have a home to live in and friends who love me (I hope). I'm not being physically abused by anyone. I'm alive, aren't I? Who gave me the right to complain?
Ok, I'll stop now. Kind of a pointless sort of journal to start out on, but oh well. Sarah, you'll probably think I'm insane. I shouldn't post this, but oh well.
Much love to everyone, always.
~Kila |
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